It’s all about communication
Separation and divorce is hard on everyone: the couple separating: you and your partner, and the children. Each child and young person’s experience with the loss of their known family unit will be different, and sometimes cause intense emotional distress.
One thing that we know makes a difference to the children before, during and after separation is the way the parents communicate with each other.Communicate noun.
“The imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing or some other medium”.
This includes body language, gestures and facial expressions to convey information to others. It is not only the words you say but how you say it that your children take in.
What we know is that children love both parents.
What we hear from children is how sad it makes them, how upset they get when their parents speak badly of the other parent or the children witness ugly communication between parents.
Children love both parents. They identify with both parents. When they hear nasty things being said about a parent they take these words to have meaning for themselves.”Dad is hopeless” becomes I am hopeless in their minds.
Children who fare best after divorce are those who are not burdened with the conflict between parents and see both parents often; it usually reflects a relatively harmonious relationship between parents.
Often parents ask how can we do this?
Start with understanding the needs of your children. Ensure that children have good relationships and easy contact with both parents. Children can adjust to loss when they can rely on stability. You may not like it but you will be connected to your ex and co-parenting these children forever. You need to try to make the best you can of it for your children’s sake.
Start with an end in mind.
Do not bring your children into your relationship. Keep your relationship between the two of you. Conflict between parents can be frightening for children and make them anxious. You can work through your differences in mediation, counselling or even if needs be, through lawyers.
Agree to be the best parents you can be.
Always have the best interest of the children at the forefront of all decision making.
Heard the expression ”fake it until you make it”. This applies to communicating with your former partner. Be friendly, be charming, be kind. Remember it’s all about the kids.
You can communicate away from the children by email or use one of the parenting Apps . Hyperlink the word Apps to https://beanstalkmums.com.au/best-co-parenting-apps-2019/
Imagine a rainbow, the rainbow of communication connecting both homes. Imagine your children whose lives are sheltered under the rainbow, loved by two parents who care more for them and their well-being than for themselves, and their issues. The gold will be seeing your children grow up as stable, well-adjusted people, not traumatized by conflict between you and your former partner.